Solve a stressful situation – write about it.

So last night I had wrapped up with my monthly MS support group. Since the Covid pandemic, society and HUMH shut down physical meetings at their location in Maywood. We would use a broom that they had especially for community events, and it was there that I really felt my presence shined, sometimes offering stretches for members of our group, physical fitness advice. And I could just see their faces, feel the energy and get good feedback about my positive affect on the group. It was like we were all together and much more positive. Oh by the way, I also sang a couple of tunes for a Christmas time meeting, like old times when I used to be a jazz vocalist. It felt good and it felt very me. I was able to offer something more than just fitness, which is all a part of me.

Since the meetings went virtual, people have really slipped into a depression, sometimes crying, and it’s tough when you can’t console them when you’re not physically with them. Yesterday we had a staff psychologist from HUMH, Dr. Amorello. He is part of the MS team at Hackensack University medical center, offering advice end guidance to MS patients who need it. I have used his services, and continue to. But not in the same capacity as other members of the group.

Last night I made a comment about that I couldn’t wait to get back in person, because it was really tough for me with my son vying for my attention when I’m trying to stay focused on my iPhone. It was a zoom call as it is always, and my son used my iPad up during therapy session for two hours from 4 to 6. The meeting was at six. So I had to use my iPhone on the charger to see the meeting.

When I made the comment about I couldn’t wait to meet in person with everybody I miss them, one member said well I never want to be in person again. I took it to heart but didn’t say anything, because I can’t see doing this forever. I thought of going virtual is just a temporary fix. But apparently other members of the group have other ideas, and they prefer a virtual approach. Maybe at some point they said a hybrid presence could be possible, but they did not want to meet in person. It really dug a hole in my heart.

I had to step back and think for a minute. I have been learning a lot about how the b******t you create in your own mind makes you angry or unhappy. Your emotions are controlled by your brain to make you take action to ultimately keep you alive. I get that. This was just a little bit more b******t, and I need it to control it. Before I went to bed last night I made a note in notes on my iPhone about the things that bothered me about the comment and also what I could do about it. It was writing, it was journaling, and it is huge for me. So I want to let you know when you have a thought in your mind that you can’t get out and it’s something that you need to solve, especially with MS because that stress leads to anxiety, and I in fact snapped at my husband when he did some thing that really didn’t call for being snapped at, get your thoughts out on paper so you can see them unless your thoughts or reality by seeing them in front of you they’re just mush in your brain.

So I thought about this possibility of actually never going back in person, or going back in person with an option to go virtual, having to have a video camera on us and those people who wanted to go virtual could, and it just got too much for me to deal with. So my son was not doing his homework as he should’ve had done when he came home from school, he’s seven in the Second grade, and my mom was trying to get him to do it and he was putting up at fight.  I needed to step in, shut off my camera and go on mute. It’s really difficult to have a virtual meeting when you’re in your home. And you have other people present who are not willing to be part of the home in a silent way, especially a young child.

So I might have to go on break for now, until they figure out someway to have me come back in person, because this virtual is not working during the school year. I cannot deny the fact that my son needs help, he’s in therapy, and also goes to school. The therapy is eight hours a week. The meeting is right at the end of the therapy for one day during the month. I get that. But those two hours I am still creating a situation that causes me much stress. Being a group leader I would think that I need to maintain my stress level to be a good example and be inspirational for others with MS like myself, and be a source of inspiration for them. I know that I am. But it really doesn’t feel like I am because this is not the ideal setting. I just don’t think I can continue now. I needed to get this out to solve this for myself because this is a big issue. It’s not that I don’t wanna be a support group leader, it’s just that I don’t feel like I can be the best support leader I can right now because of the situation I’m in that’s causing me much stress. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Now off to shoulders and calves at the gym behind me. We’ll see how I do since I got my flu shot yesterday! See ya.